Friday, May 05, 2006

The Wheel Of Fortune

My best friend got engaged two months ago on a spur of the moment trip to New York with her boyfriend. He took her for a carriage ride in Central Park and proposed as a gently falling snow enveloped them in a world of white.
An old acquaintance from high school has decided to come to my university to pursue a chemical engineering degree, after having gotten into law school. Seems she just had a "knack" for this "chemistry thing" She is now in her final semester with several offers from major chemical plants.
My neighbor is pregnant.
Hell, even the eccentric janitor in the building where I work just had a batch of new puppies (ok, HE didn't have them, but they might as well be his kids, with all the pictures of them he has in his wallet)

I don't mean to be bitter, I like these people. They're wonderful. They deserve all the best this weary world has to offer. The problem is that good things seem to happen ALL the time now. All of a sudden, birds are chirping, the sun is shining, bunnies are hopping. Everyone is getting promoted, or getting married, or getting pregnant...And I'm...Well, I'm just getting angry.

In college, I took a class on "geniuses of the renaissance" and found out that Machiavelli was really just a poor, misunderstood guy. Sure, his "may the end justify the means" schtick may seem callous, but maybe he wouldn't have to take things into his own hands if life had cut him some slack. He was an unlucky guy too. Maybe it was this lack of trust in the universe that helped him develop a concept called the "Wheel Of Fortune". He suggested that life was one big spinning wheel, that only worked by some divine cycle of luck. To eventually get to the top, you had to spend some time on the bottom. But slowly, eventually, the gates would open up, the walls would be broken down and you would reach the top. Nirvana! Bliss! The one thing he didn't specify though, was the length of time one would have to spend as a bottom dweller, a hopeless, helpless poor schlub at the bottom of the wheel.

Maybe things will get better, maybe in time, there will be better days. Maybe tomorrow the world will begin again, and there will be time in it for those that are having a hard time to flourish, to be. But I wouldn't count on it.

I am tired of keeping tally. Tired of people getting a check next to "married" or "happy" and then having my side blank. But how do you stop that surge of anger, that seemingly bottomless pit of pure jealousy when you see someone effortlessly claiming what is theirs? There's so much a discrepancy between who I am and who I want to be. And then I look at them, at their beaming faces and think that they couldn't ask for anything more. My heart races, my blood boils, it's a rush of self pity, self hate when I see someone doing everything I want to, being exactly what I can't be. At those times I hate them because they couldn't appreciate it as much as I could, couldn't treasure it the way I would.

Maybe it's some strange form of karma. You see, I always thought that I was unique. That something about me was important. That I was meant to see things, to know things. To roam, to feel everything, and never settle for just the everyday feeling of contentment. I wanted to feel incredible heights of euphoria, to feel heartbreak. Maybe this lull, this unbearable dead silence, this horrible lack of feeling, of success, is life's way of showing me that I am not destined to be anything special. I thought so much of myself that maybe it was time to teach me a lesson. Well, I think I get it.

At times, it almost felt like I was entitled to be happy. I was raised to think that I could have it all. And I was having some serious issues adjusting to the fact that I couldn't. At this point it feels like I can't have anything. It seems, that for the first time in my life, I've accepted the fact that I'm not anyone special. The realization has come slowly, numbly. But I get it. And I think just in these last few days, I've stopped listening to that restless calling that has always been a part of me. That resounding, exotic, hypnotic calling that pushes me to be better, to take chances, to want, to hope. That rhythm is getting fainter and fainter. And maybe that's ok. Maybe wanting nothing at all is better than wanting everything and giving your life to it, and getting nothing back.


At 10:38 AM, Blogger Mardougrrl said...

Oh, Fernie. I don't know what you say except I understand, I understand.

Maybe your dark night is not telling you that you are not destined for something special, but for something DIFFERENT. Try to be open to whatever longings come up for you now. This could be a fruitful time, this emptying out of yourself.

But remember not to conflate something with EVERYTHING. It is so easy for us to spread the paste of misery all over everything, when it is localized to one specific area of life. I suppose it's easier to just feel awful, period, than to take a hard look at whatever that THING is that is making us miserable. That thing that we don't want to face, because then we might have to change it, or let it go.

Trust yourself, even if you are flailing blindly. You are wiser than you think.

At 10:58 AM, Blogger Yummyteece said...

WOW... so much of what you said about feeling "important" and then later feeling that the universe was trying to show you that you are not.... I understand and have felt all of that. I understand empty and angry and the whole "WTF" response you can have to that.

However, i believe that all the universe travels in cycles and this is a down, and ups will come.... and there will be a moment where something will be in just the right place and just the right time, and you will have an inkling in that moment just HOW special and important you are.

Wishing you the best of luck in this hard time.


PS Thanks for de-lurking and commenting on the blog! :)


Post a Comment

<< Home