Friday, July 21, 2006

These last few days, I've had time to think about my life. I always have my "aha!" moments when I'm working on some big project or the other, my mind wonders to everything but the task at hand. So when I spent the last week immersed the most important project of my graduate school life, I did some serious soul searching, and before I knew it, I was curled up in a tiny ball on a chair on one of the engineering labs wondering how my life had come to *this*.

The bottom line is that I just feel trapped. I feel like my career has come to a point where I can't recognize myself as a part of it. Engineering has always been a sore subject for me. I won't make excuses as to why I entered the field, I won't blame someone else at this point for getting into it. But I have to wonder, is it something I consciously chose to do? Or was it just the most convienent at the time? I was desperate to get away from my parents in high school, and a scholarship to do civil engineering in Florida seemed like just the ticket. I don't think it ever became more than a means to live for me. It's never been a passion, never given me anything to really be proud of. So when I have to fight for it, I just don't have the motivation to.

Grad school is a challenge. And pushing my way through the long nights, the ridiculous assignments and the horrible, uncaring professors are slowing killing me. But I've come so close to the end, that it would be a complete waste to quit now. I keep hoping to find my niche, but looking for it admist classes and work has just made me more anxious and fustrated.

I'm just exhuasted of this field, it's always been only about calculations, black or white, right or wrong. There's no room for creativity when it comes down to it. It's about what works, and easiest to make, period. It feels like a sell out, it feels like a cage. And I want it to be over. And it seems the only way out is through. And "through" feels impossible.

2 Comments:

At 8:57 AM, Blogger runliarun said...

It's hard to live your life dreading Monday mornings, focused on Friday night, and hating anything in between. But then you sound as if you already know that.

 
At 3:43 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

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